|Oh yeah, bring it on, cotton brain, says Euka. I am the Master of Eye Contact.
[must . . . not . . . blink . . .groan]
Let’s start off today with a quick test. No worries, y’all. This’ll be easy ’nuff, like those magazine personality quizzes. You know, like if you could be any celebrity, what would be your favorite color of food? So, I’m just gonna toss out a couple or three questions and the first one is a total gimme as a multiple choice.
Question 1. Ok, this friend of mine, let’s call her Dee, won an awesome raffle prize at a pet adoption event. She is thrilled, because it’s been years upon years since she’s won anything, awesome or otherwise. What do you suppose was the most common question asked of her by friends and family in lieu of a congrats?
a) It’s supposed to be a what, exactly?
b) What the [bleep] is up with the tail anyway?
c) Does anyone else think it’s creepy how it stares without blinking?
d) Since it doesn’t have a neck, can we say it has a good head on its shoulders?
e) Hey, you wanna see how much my dog hates it? Watch this . . .
f) What are you going to do with it?
Answer: yep, the answer is f. What are you going to do with it?
Bunch of naysayers, I say. And to these naysayers, I say nay to you, because horses eat . . . wait, no. That’s not what I mean.
I mean it’s ok to be jealous, y’all. There was only one lifesize German Shepherd stuffed dog in the raffle and, dogs be good, it is now mine, bwahahaha. Or my friend, Dee’s, that is. Because Dee won the thing, right?
So anyway, here’s your second personality test question. Bumping it up a notch with a Fill in the Blank query. It’s a two-parter with that run-on sentence in there.
Question 2. Are you the kind of person that would name a lifesized stuffed dog? Let’s consider you might be, especially since you haven’t named a pet in countless years since you either adopt or raise service dogs and they always come with their own names? And when you think about it, you haven’t given a moniker to a pet dog since Sh** Jack in 1988. We’re not counting the fish, Bob II, because obviously he’s not a dog even though you did get to name him. So, what would you name a lifesized stuffed German Shepherd dog?
You can tell by the face this is a female, right? Oh, don’t go on about looking at the wrong end, because this is a stuffed animal, people. We don’t have a lot to work with here. I’m pretty much just making it up as I go along.
|Well met, Cap’n Windy|
And speaking of making it up, I will refer to this prize winning beauty as Cap’n Windy*.
Why would you do that, you ask? Well, because I can. And adding to that, I may just be a bit rusty in this dog naming business. But just like the gender decision, it just seems to suit her, I think.
Now for your final question. This is requires more of an essay-ish response.
Question 3. If you were as amazing as Dee, an individual who had her stars in order and could actually win such a treasure as life-sized German Shepherd stuffed dog – well, what would you do with it anyway? Any ideas, people?
No really, what would you do with this thing? I want to know. So I can help my friend Dee explain it to her family. She’s struggling here trying to justify why it should be on proud display in the family room while the kinfolk have less spectacular ideas regarding where it should be available for public appearances. Because Dee doesn’t agree that she needs an ersatz guard dog in the walk-in closet.
This is not just another way to get a fourth dog in the house, but you have to see the benefits to having this kind of thing around, right? Considering the low vet bills and lack of biological clean-up moves the needle on the Attractive Meter into the green zone. Then we gotcha the obvious.
Like home protection, of course. Heck, once I put Cap’n Windy on the front porch and started taking photos, even the neighbors started to look on edge. Ain’t nobody messing with us now.
To build on the personal protection theme, here’s an idea for when you have to drive through those sketchy areas. I mean, who doesn’t respect a dog looking out from the moon roof? Nobody, that’s who.
Oh, but it gets better from here. Finally somebody who’ll play a game of Scrabble with me without being a sore loser.
Because Jager cheats. Ok, I haven’t actually caught him, but still. He’s all sneaky, with those street smarts of his. Not keeping an Ace up his sleeve, because this is Scrabble, remember? And dogs don’t wear clothes while playing Scrabble due to the cheating. It’s in the rules. But I do suspect there could be a vowel or two under that wily tongue.
I don’t usually need help in the kitchen, the space being somewhat limited anyway. I tried putting Cap’n Windy to task to see if perhaps I could step back and do the crossword while dinner was on the stove.
All for naught, that little fantasy. All she did was stare at the peanut butter jar. Probably for the best, seeing the chicken broth and dog hair lint roller in near adjacency. I don’t think you’ll find these ingredients together on the same page in the Joy of Cooking.
At least I want very badly for this to be true.
|Color me desensitized, says Euka. I think that
would be pink or something.
I do have to admit that Cap’n Windy’s destiny is still up in the air [snort windy air]. We might need to find the chick a higher calling. I mean besides desensitizing CCI puppies to novel objects and putting it on the kid’s bed so when he comes home and turns on the light, Cap’n Windy is there to say Good Evening. I hope you made good choices today. Yeah, besides those things.
What am I going to do with it?
*Does that name nudge a long-forgotten memory, my southwestern Ohio friends? How ’bout The Uncle Al Show with Captain Windy? Remember now? She was introduced on every show with her flying on screen, cape flapping, like Supergirl only more wholesome. Yep, naming the stuffed dog after her is messed up on a couple of critical levels.